Sweet Baby Luke

The weekend after Luke, Gabe, my mom  and I got home Athena and Ben came to visit.  I was so excited to see them! I was also super excited Ben showed me some tricks to use my camera.  He taught me a bunch and I have been getting some great shots lately.  After he gave me a photo lesson he took some pictures of me and Luke. 

 I love my sweet little one!

Here's one of my favorite songs I love to listen to when I have a new baby.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xWK_gs-caJ4

Good Dad

While I was in the hospital in Utah after having Luke, Darren was at home with the three older kids.  He did a great job watching them, running them around, and being a single dad.  He bought all the kids new shoes for school.  Took them grocery shopping to get food for school lunches.  Took Paul, Ellie, and Kyle all to their soccer games and soccer practices.  And made healthy meals for them.  Darren is so on top of it.  He would be a great stay at home dad.  These are all picture texts that he sent me while I was in the hospital with Luke. 

This picture is my favorite.  Kyle and Darren and hilarious together.

Struggles

Being a parent can be so rewarding, and it can be so hard.  At times I feel on top of the world- like a great parent.  Other times, I feel like I do so many things wrong and feel so completely discouraged.  If only I had more time, was more organized, trained my children better, yada, yada yada. 
Today Darren was working so he couldn't take the kids to church.  So I decided to go to sacrament meeting.  Only I didn't get a lot of sleep last night.  I slept in, had to nurse my baby, and we ended up being a half hour late.  We arrived and I realized it was the primary Program- and Kyle missed his part.  He was practically in tears.  Ughhh. 
Then I remembered last night was the Women's Conference that I also completely forgot about.  I was so discouraged.  I was so mad at myself.  I hate forgetting stuff.  It makes me feel so stupid and like my life is so unorganized and out of control.   Ughhh again.
I could actually go on, about the kids baptisms for the dead and Paul loosing his temple recommend, or just being late in general.  Or the fact that my kids haven't learned the simple concept of Cleaning Up After Yourself.  Or Gabe has like 100 cavities.  Ughh, Ughh, Ughhh!!   But I'm tired and the baby is finally asleep so I'm going to bed while I can.  After church I cried to Darren and he said something funny that made me laugh.   I realized, It's all going to be ok.
So while I have moments of discouragement, I don't have them a lot.  I really try not to be hard on myself.  I think it's unwise.  More often I have moments of happiness, joy and love.  And who can blame me with 5 beautiful, kind children?   Even though it can be discouraging, I love being a mom more that anything in the whole world.  I love my kids to the moon and back.   

Welcome Home

Freedom! The day Luke got released from the hospital we drove the whole way home.  Ten hours.  It was my mom, me, Luke and Gabe.  We had a good time.  Meanwhile- Darren and the kids were making preperations for our return.  They cleaned like crazy, made signs, bought flowers, balloons, and fun treats for our arrival.  I love my family.  It made me so happy and feel so special to be loved by such a great husband and kids.  I loved coming into our nice house with baby Luke.  I whispered in his ear, "Sweet Luke, this is our home! you are going to be so safe and warm and happy here.  We are going to take such good care of you.  Your brothers and sisters are so nice.  They love you so much.  Your dad loves you so much too.  He is so fun- you are going to love him.  I'm your mom, and I love you too.  We have such a wonderful family. You will always be safe and loved.  Welcome to our family precious baby Luke. "

How could I not feel so special coming home to this?  See all the fun streamers and all the fun treats? I felt like princess Kate! The house was the cleanest I think it has ever been.  My heart swelled with gratitude for being able to bring my baby home to such a safe,warm, loving home.  I am so thankful for Darren and the kids and their love and hard work.  I have an amazing family.  

Due Date

Yesterday was my due date.    I was thinking if I had a choice to not had to go through the last month of pregnancy and have a c-section without Darren there.  Or been pregnant the last month and had my baby yesterday.  As hard as the last month of pregnancy is, I would choose to have had my baby yesterday.  No doubt.  I feel sad today.  The birth is over.  It is done.  It makes me even sadder to think that Luke is probably my last baby.  And to end on a delivery like that is just hard.  I feel like a little piece of me has died.  I had such big hopes of my last delivery.
For me- the days I have given birth are the most magical days of my life.  Nothing surpasses them.  It's like Christmas, times a thousand.  Christmas comes once a year.  I gave birth 5 times in my lifetime, So that's like Christmas coming every 20 years.   It's special.  It's beyond special.  Maybe phenomenal would describe it. It's spiritual.  It's life changing.   I get so excited to go into labor with each baby I can't sleep the last month.  I lay in bed every night so excited to meet my baby.  I wonder what they will be like.  What will their personality be? This will be my child.  Forever.  For eternity.  My baby forever.  Here is some examples of how wonderful my previous birth with Gabe was.

http://www.ernstfamilyfun.blogspot.com/2012/02/im-in-love.html

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pkf30FX5EWE 

 The problem is, I had such high expectations for this birth.  It was going to be the best one ever- even better than Gabe's.  And it wasn't.  It was the opposite.  It wasn't a celebration.  It was traumatic and scary.  It was sad.  It was upsetting.  Not at all like what I had envisioned.  It made it harder to bond with my sweet baby. 
Time passes and it doesn't seem like such a big deal.  Some moments I am sad and some moments it doesn't even matter.  I guess its just going to take some time. 

10 Days in the Hospital

While Luke was in the NICU I was lucky enough to be able to stay in the hospital. You may think I'm crazy but I love hospitals.  I don't have to worry about so many things I usually worry about at home.  I don't worry about laundry, making dinner, cleaning up, kids, etc.  Mostly I'm just happy I don't have to make dinner.  Plus I get to hang out and push the nurses button every time I want a painkiller and a cookie.
  For the first 4 days I was a patient.  After that they discharged me, but let me stay as a "Boarder".  I was SO grateful!  I was in the NICU every 2 hours nursing Luke, and I don't know what I would have done if they didn't let me stay there.  I had lots of visitors since I grew up in Provo.  Most my family lives there which was so nice.
Laura was so kind by watching Gabe for the whole time.  Not like she needs another one on top of her 7.  But he just fit right in. He got along great with her kids.  He called Bridie and Eleanor, "His Best Friends."  He was really good for about the first 6 days.  After that the nostalgia wore off and he wanted to go home.  I felt so bad for him.  He would cry every time he came to the hospital.   He would cry when he couldn't see the baby, then he would cry when he left.  By the end Laura refused to bring him to the hospital.  The last 2 days he stayed with my mom and I think that helped him.  I know my dad loved having him in their bed with him and my mom!

 My mom is so thoughtful.  I just love her.  She knew I was going to be in the hospital a long time- so she went to Walmart and bought me a ton of stuff! She got me a cooler and filled it with fresh fruits and veggies and a gallon of milk.  She bought me a laundry basket and filled it with healthy snacks.  She bought me a bowl for all my fruit.  She bought me a bunch of baby stuff- blankets and cute boy clothes.  I could tell she had a great time at Walmart.  I had everything my heart desired for the next 10 days!  

I had so many people bring me gifts.  Marilyn gave me a cute baby blanket from BYU and those pretty signed prints in the picture.  Laura took my kids to the store and let them choose some cute outfits for Luke.  Malinda went to Target and got me some cute outfits too.  Julia sent me flowers.  My friend Tara gave me a copy of her book, and the beautiful print on the left.  I felt so loved.  Below are the pretty flowers Darren gave me. 

After 6 days I had to move rooms to the 3rd floor.  I had a TON of stuff cause I had all my stuff from Education week- Suitcase and all.  Plus all the stuff my mom had bought me at Walmart.  I had to take a picture.  I felt so blessed my heart would burst.

The final night in the hospital I got to stay in the NICU room.  It's a special room that parents get to stay in with their baby on the last night they are in the NICU.  You get meals and everything.  It was really fun! It was kinda like staying in a hotel.  I did miss Darren though.

See- hospitals are great! I didn't have to lift a finger to prepare this delicious dinner!  It was just brought to me.  I love it!

This is all the breast milk I pumped while in the hospital.  I am like a dairy cow! That was definitely one thing I felt so grateful for- I had plenty of milk and Luke was a good nurser. 

Saying good bye!  I spent a lot of time here- but was not sad at all to be leaving.  I was thrilled to get out of there.  The women in blue was the NICU doctor.  She was great.  I absolutely loved her.  She let me go home even though Luke didn't pass all the tests.  We both felt like it would be best for him to just be home.  She was right- he has been doing great since we got home!

We had to buy him a car seat since we didn't have one.  I'm glad I didn't have one at home in Hermiston.  This was Gabe's first time seeing Luke.  My mom came to pick me up and we were on our way home!  Good bye Mt. Timpanogos Hospital.  You were great!

10 Days in the NICU

What's it like to have a baby in the NICU?  I'll tell you in 2 words.  Not fun.
When Luke was born his oxygen stats kepts falling between 80 and 85.  Anything below 90 is cause for concern.  So they took him straight back to the NICU.  They had him on oxygen, an IV drip, and a feeding tube.  He stayed there for 10 days.
     After 2 days when his oxygen stats were at 100 I wanted to take my baby home.  But the hospital wouldn't let me- for 8 more days.   I didn't feel like it was saving his life by being there after the first 2 days.  I felt like he just had to meet all their tests so they don't get sued by someone in our sue happy society.   It just all felt so unnecessary.  I don't mean to sound ungrateful.  But after the first 3 days it all seemed superfluous. I feel like our American society can be so overly cautions.   I could be totally wrong.  In fact I probably am.  I have a tendency to think everything will be fine.  Hence the trip to Utah at 36 weeks pregnant and never a thought of having a c-section. 
     They had him on a very strict schedule.   I nursed him every 3 hours.   It would go like this: weigh him, nurse him, weigh him again to see how much he ate.  Nurse him again to try to get him to eat more. Weigh him again.  Change him to try to get him to wake up.   Nurse him again, weigh him again.  Listen to the nurse tell me we needed to keep his feedings were taking to long and his feedings needed to be under half an hour.  Then I would head back to my room for 2 hours and try and get a nap.  Then it was back to the NICU for feedings again. 
   It felt so invasive to have someone telling me how and when to feed my baby.  Like, really invasive. I'm the type of mom who lets my baby sleep when he wants, and eat when he wants.  I live by his schedule.   I didn't dare tell them that when we got out of there he would be sleeping in bed with me! Gasp!! 
     It's not like it's the the nurses or doctors fault.  They were all really nice and great to work with.  It's just how our system works.  Which I guess is a good thing to help the poor babies who have negligent parents.   But for me, it drove me crazy!
    The good thing is that every time I was with my baby I was on cloud 9.  All my worries went away and nothing else mattered when I held my sweet baby.

 They pricked his heels every morning to check his blood. My poor babies feet looked like he had been walking on glass shards by the time we got out of there.

At about day 7 he had a high bilirubin count.  So he had to be under these blue lights for 2 days.  He didn't seem to mind.  It actually seemed really cozy in that little caterpillar sock thing they put him in.  Jaundice makes babies sleepy, so he pretty much slept the whole time- and wouldn't eat a lot.  Which made his weight go down, which made him have to stay longer. 

 Haha!  I love this Johnny Depp- Charlie and The Chocolate Factory looking eye protection they put on him.  I got to bring it home with me if anyone needs a Halloween costume....

 So many pictures!  I'm in love- what can I say?

 One of the tests he had to pass before he could come home was the "Car-seat Challenge" (They didn't call it that.  I just made that up.)   He had to be in his car seat for 3 hours without his oxygen stats dropping under 90.  Thankfully he passed.
Another test he had to pass was the "Astronaut Test" (another made up name compliments of me).  They put a box around his head and decreased the oxygen to simulate oxygen at 6,000 feet altitude.  They did this because when we drove home we would be going home through some mountain passes at 6,000 feet.  They wanted to make sure his lungs could handle the altitude.  Superfluous or serious?  I can't decide.

Have I told you about his name?  oh yes I have.  Here are all 3 names!  Which one do you like?