Due Date

Yesterday was my due date.    I was thinking if I had a choice to not had to go through the last month of pregnancy and have a c-section without Darren there.  Or been pregnant the last month and had my baby yesterday.  As hard as the last month of pregnancy is, I would choose to have had my baby yesterday.  No doubt.  I feel sad today.  The birth is over.  It is done.  It makes me even sadder to think that Luke is probably my last baby.  And to end on a delivery like that is just hard.  I feel like a little piece of me has died.  I had such big hopes of my last delivery.
For me- the days I have given birth are the most magical days of my life.  Nothing surpasses them.  It's like Christmas, times a thousand.  Christmas comes once a year.  I gave birth 5 times in my lifetime, So that's like Christmas coming every 20 years.   It's special.  It's beyond special.  Maybe phenomenal would describe it. It's spiritual.  It's life changing.   I get so excited to go into labor with each baby I can't sleep the last month.  I lay in bed every night so excited to meet my baby.  I wonder what they will be like.  What will their personality be? This will be my child.  Forever.  For eternity.  My baby forever.  Here is some examples of how wonderful my previous birth with Gabe was.

http://www.ernstfamilyfun.blogspot.com/2012/02/im-in-love.html

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pkf30FX5EWE 

 The problem is, I had such high expectations for this birth.  It was going to be the best one ever- even better than Gabe's.  And it wasn't.  It was the opposite.  It wasn't a celebration.  It was traumatic and scary.  It was sad.  It was upsetting.  Not at all like what I had envisioned.  It made it harder to bond with my sweet baby. 
Time passes and it doesn't seem like such a big deal.  Some moments I am sad and some moments it doesn't even matter.  I guess its just going to take some time.