Trials

Trying to have a baby is not really something I though I would struggle with.  I mean, I have 4 kids and have never had a hard time getting pregnant the EXACT month I planned.  But it's been 5 months now, and nothing but a bunch of negative test results.  My plan was to get pregnant in July, or August, and be done with morning sickness by Christmas, and have a baby in the spring.  I even told my friends I couldn't run in a marathon in September because I was going to be pregnant...ughh.  Then I was planning on morning sickness for Christmas, and still nothing.  I wonder if I should be worried or if this is totally normal- for other people.  It's not normal for me- and that why it worries and scares me.  Am I too old? Did I do something wrong? Was I supposed to have a baby earlier and I missed my chance?  Will I really only have 4 children?  Will Ellie never get her sister she prays for every morning and night? All these worries and more flood my mind.  A tiny part of me feels relieved, each time the test is negative- I don't have to face morning sickness, pregnancy, sleepless nights, diapers, messes, etc.  Then the mother in me crushes that tiny bit and I feel so sad.  I worry and cry that I won't be able to have another baby.  I'm not ready to be done.  I'm not ready for that stage.  Then I tell myself it will be ok.  I will get pregnant- when the time is right.  God has a plan for our family.  I just wonder if that plan involves another baby. Any advice from you mom's out there?